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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26586751">Eudice Eusyram Meets Newt Scamander</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Smell_Rates/pseuds/I_Smell_Rates'>I_Smell_Rates</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Eudice Eusyram [8]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Mary Sue, Parody</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 12:55:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,113</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26586751</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Smell_Rates/pseuds/I_Smell_Rates</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Eudice Eusyram, the Mary Sue parody character I created on FictionAlley fifteen years ago, returns to ruin the <i>Fantastic Beasts</i> universe!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Credence Barebone/Nagini, Queenie Goldstein/Jacob Kowalski, Tina Goldstein/Newt Scamander</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Eudice Eusyram [8]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1922371</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Eudice Eusyram Meets Newt Scamander</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“We have a new ally in the war against Grindelwald,” said Dumbledore during the war against Grindelwald.</p><p>“Who’s that?” asked Newt Scamander, who was a little strange.</p><p>“Oh, you’ll see,” explained Dumbledore, who was a lot strange.</p><p>Suddenly, an incredibly adorable little girl named Eudice Eusyram climbed into Newt’s suitcase to join them. She was American and a genius when it came to everything. She also happened to be part veela, an Animagus and a Metamorphmagus. Since her Animagi form was that of a Kelpie, it meant she could turn into almost anything. She was a child this time because this takes place in an earlier time period than any other story she’s been in, and the specifics of the timeline and whether she should even be alive at this point aren’t important anyway.</p><p>“So, you’re here to save us all?” asked Jacob Kowalski, who was funny and stupid like a new version of Ron.</p><p>“Oh, I couldn’t do that,” said Eudice, not believing in herself enough. She was born with a lot of ch’i and midi-chlorians and shit, but her evil father, Euclid Eusyram, told her to hide her powers because they were “unfeminine” and would prevent her from finding a husband someday.</p><p>“You have to believe in yourself,” said Tina Goldstein, who was smart and serious like a new version of Hermione.</p><p>Bringing Eudice along, Newt and his friends set off to go save some fantastic beasts because that always seemed to result in them getting involved in the war against Grindelwald. Sure enough, it wasn’t long before they came upon Gunnar Grimmson, who was evil! He was torturing Baby Dobby, who was even smaller and cuter than Eudice herself! Although he had some really cool powers already, Baby Dobby couldn’t talk yet, which made him even cuter!</p><p>“No, don’t hurt him!” yelled Eudice. “Hurting cute things is evil!”</p><p>“Well, that works out very well then because I <em>am</em> evil,” replied Grimmson, laughing evilly.</p><p>Eudice was so angered by this egregious injustice that she could no longer resist using her awesome powers. She leapt forward, grabbed Grimmson by his ankles, spun him around like a lasso, and hurled him into the sun.</p><p>“Oh no, what have I done?” she asked as the evil bounty hunter Grimmson plunged into the sun where he belonged. “My father told me that I had to hide my powers in order to conform to society’s expectations. ‘Don't let them in, don’t let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.’ Well, now they know!”</p><p>“Hey, you shouldn’t be ashamed of your powers,” Newt told her. “They’re actually very cool, and they could help us defeat Grindelwald once and for all!”</p><p>“Gee, I never thought of it that way,” said Eudice. “Well, actually, I have, because I’m a genius when it comes to everything, but it’s enormously validating to hear someone else say it.”</p><p>But then, Vinda Rosier came along and captured Eudice, Newt, Tina, and Jacob with a giant butterfly net! They were brought to Nurmengard Castle, where Grindelwald was waiting for them. He served them all pumpkin juice that he had secretly spiked with Phreneticus Potion, which impairs the drinker's self-control and judgment.</p><p>However, little did Grindelwald know it, Eudice was skilled in Legilimency because she was a genius when it came to everything. Therefore, she already knew what Grindelwald had done and turned her pumpkin juice into a puppy. She had always wanted a puppy. She didn't stop Newt, Tina, and Jacob from drinking their pumpkin juice because she knew this was the only way everyone would end up together the way they were supposed to.</p><p>Newt and Tina drank theirs and suddenly their secret feelings for each other were overwhelming. They kissed and hugged each other. Jacob drank his next and suddenly his secret feelings for Queenie Goldstein were overwhelming. He ran over to her and gave her a big kiss with everyone watching, even Abernathy! When Jacob kissed Queenie, it caused some of the potion to get in her mouth too, so her secret feelings for him were suddenly overwhelming. That convinced her to stop being evil and come back to the good side.</p><p>However, the potion wore off in the next thirty seconds. Red-faced, the four of them came up with humorous explanations for their behavior that didn't make any sense. Credence Barebone was inspired by all the lovemaking and decided to run away and marry Nagini, because she was cute. As you can see, Eudice was right and everyone was happier because she was perfect and a genius when it came to everything. But Grindelwald was not pleased and decided to try and get back at her by challenging her to a duel.</p><p>“You have not foiled my plans yet,” said Grindelwald, who hated seeing people find true love because he was evil. “Your father never told you what happened to your father.”</p><p>“He told me enough!” Eudice shouted back. “He told me you killed him!”</p><p>“No, <em>I</em> am your father,” Grindelwald said.</p><p>“No,” Eudice said. “That’s not true. That’s impossible!”</p><p>“More impossible than your father telling you who killed him after he was already dead?”</p><p>“You know, I always thought that was strange,” Eudice admitted.</p><p>“I’m going to beat you, Eudice,” laughed Grindelwald. “After all, I’m evil and you’re a child. You have no chance.”</p><p>Eudice had a look of dull surprise on her face that could possibly be interpreted as a moment of doubt, but of course, she didn’t doubt herself <em>too</em> much because she was perfect.</p><p>“You need to believe in yourself and stop holding back,” Newt explained supportively. “You’re stunning and brave just the way you are.”</p><p>And with that bit of emotional validation, Eudice jumped on Grindelwald and in five seconds she had beaten him up so much he couldn't move. She then kicked him in the crotch, sending him flying into one of his own cells. Eudice had defeated Grindelwald all by herself, but let Dumbledore take credit for it because she was so generous and humble. Everyone lived happily ever after except Grimmson, who was now living in the sun, and Grindelwald, who spent the rest of his life in that Nurmengard cell.</p><p>“I don’t think I could go back!” Jacob said happily.</p><p>After that, Eudice randomly went off to Tatooine, a planet that meant nothing to her, in order to bury some lightsabers that also meant nothing to her.</p><p>“Who are you?” asked a random woman randomly.</p><p>“I’m Eudice,” Eudice replied.</p><p>“Eudice who?”</p><p>“Eudice Skywalker,” said Eudice memely.</p><p>Then she went to watch a binary sunset that also meant nothing to her.</p>
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